Golden Brown
by scarletoctopus
Summary: Never was there a finer temptress like golden brown. M for drug use


this was a little something for the love lost contest

thank you to ineedyoursway for being my friend and encouraging me

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She was my destruction.

She was the reason why I was decaying and wasting away.

She was the end of me.

She sucked me into her deceit and madness.

Although I have no regret in me to feel sorry for ever finding and consuming her. How can I when she makes me feel whole, free and just alive? How can I when I have her at last?

Never am I miserable when I am with her.

Never am I alone with her beside me.

Never am I anxious when I have her.

Never a frown with golden brown.

However, she comes with a price.

A hefty price that I will never be able to pay and one that I know will become the destruction of me.

~O~

My shaking fists banged on the chipped red door, banging, banging, banging to get what I want. The door flew open and on the other side stood the man who would be the decider of my fate.

"Where is it, Jasper? I need it now! Give it to me!" My voice was harsh, loud and needy. I didn't recognize myself. In my desperate state I had forgotten who I once was. It didn't matter to me then because I knew I would never be the same again, and there was really no point on dwelling on it any longer.

My hands were clenched into tight fists as I stood outside his apartment, frantically seeking something only he could provide. The rain pelted harshly over me, punishing me for my weakness, but I didn't give a damn for myself or anyone else. I proved that when I stole, lied, cheated, used and hurt nearly everyone I knew. I only cared for myself and the release that I knew was within my reach, just a couple of minutes away.

Jasper leaned against the frame of his door and studied me. He learned that I was a man utterly ruined, covered in sickly sweat and rain mixed together, my once light green eyes frenzied with want.

He wasn't happy with what he saw. "Edward, you said you would stop. You promised! You were in rehab and when I left you were recovering and doing so well."

I shook my head impatiently and banged my fist on the door again, foolishly trying to intimidate him. "I don't care Jasper, I need it. I need her, I need it now!"

My fraught pleas were useless because he wouldn't listen to me. "No Edward. I don't do that anymore. I'm trying to stop, like you should be doing. And even if I did I wouldn't give you any. You need to stop this before it's too late. It's already killing you!"

No! No, this could not be happening. Jasper was the only person I could go to and he had abandoned me. I felt the pathetic tears in my eyes and stared at him with a sorrowful and frantic face. "Please. Please, Jasper. Just this once. I'll pay for more than what you give me and I will leave you alone. I'll give up. I'll go back to that horrible place and endure all that torture. I just need to see her. Pity me, Jasper. pity the excuse I have become and give her to me. Just one more time and I'll be gone. Please." I begged with all my sorrow and heart, low as any man can be.

Never did a man look torn as Jasper did at that moment. My old friend knew that he would be the decider of my fate. His hands would bare my blood. He scratched his head in anxious thought, his face worried and frantic for me. He didn't want to do this, he really didn't want to. But because of my earnest pleading, he saw how broken I already was. Slowly, his eyes dimmed to defeated dull steel and he moved out of the way so that I could come in.

Gratefully rushing in, away from the cold and into the warmth, I followed him as he led me to his kitchen. Jasper opened one of the rickety, old yellow, kitchen cabinets and took out a biscuit tin. I stood by the dining table, flinching and twitching impatiently for him to give me what I desired. Jasper watched me as I watched him, hungry for the small white bag I knew he had hidden away. He saw the dark bruises punched by the lack of sleep, the sickly yellow skin stretching across my thin face and my beady eyes flickering everywhere in paranoia. There was no hope for me.

"Here." He handed me the treasure I sought from him desperately. My hands rudely grabbed it and I tried to give him thanks but greed won and I wanted it now.

I went quickly into the living room, not caring if Jasper followed now that I had what I came for, and sat on the couch, bringing the coffee table close to me. My unfortunate experience taught me to get the razor out along with a thick wad of rolled up hundred dollar bills that I was going to pay Jasper with later on. My trembling hands poured the already scarce pure white candy onto the table. I cut it into two straight lines with the razor, not missing a grain. All the while Jasper watched me from the doorway, his eyes frantic with worry yet hungry for the sweetest powder. He knew not to come near me or else he too would be sucked back into this heavenly nightmare.

I was happy Jasper had stopped using and dealing. As strange as it must seem I really was. He found some girl who made him believe he could quit and so he did. Good for him. Unfortunately it wasn't as simple for me. Believe me I tried to. I did it all, trying to stop so hard but she kept on calling me back.

In the past Jasper always had the best in our small town, never dealing in the shady business where rat poison and bleach could be found mixed in with the already highly dangerous substance. No, Jasper sold the real deal, the purest powder. It was he who introduced me to this dark habit. It was he who changed me into the person I was now.

I wasn't supposed to be at the party. I was supposed to be at the campus, studying for my finals. That was all I did in those long, forgotten days. Study, study, study. It was all I had left. I used to be someone else. I used to have someone else I could share my time with. But that was long ago and she had left. She was gone forever. There was nothing more to do.

Until that night.

I never usually went out, staying in the background and not involving myself in the torrid affairs of typical college life. But my room mate decided he wanted to go out and he was adamant that I be the one to go with him. I protested against going out but somehow through his heavy dose of manipulation I gave in. He always seem to get what he wanted anyway and I knew I would regret this decision more than any one of my later mistakes.

And once at this party, he immediately ran off to screw some girl in the corner of the public party and I was left on my own. Jasper found me, came up to me, offered it to me and I took it.

I stupidly, randomly, naively took it.

I could blame Jasper and his charismatic personality and persuasion. I could blame the heavy, heady party and I could blame my selfish, fickle room mate. However there was really only one person to blame. Me.

All the blame should fall on me. I could have just said no. I could have walked away from Jasper. Hell, I could have just ignored my room mate and not come to the party. But I was weak. I couldn't say no. And in the end it gave me her.

She took me on a journey you could only imagine about. Distant lands and foreign places that the mind couldn't comprehend. When I was with her everything disappeared, she and I being the only thing that mattered. While my time with her may be fleeting and fickle, those moments have made me feel alive and real more than anything in the world. For she was with me through out it all.

So here I was, holding the rolled up cash and just staring.

"Don't do it, Edward."

I stared at the powder. It would destroy me, I knew that. This time it would actually kill me. I felt death in my bones. I felt it creep in my blood and lurk in my body. It was going to kill me.  
"I have to." And I signed my own death warrant, bringing the roll to my nose and sniffing one of the deathliest drugs in the world.

It hit me immediately but I carried on snorting the snowy powder. Taking, taking, taking. My nose started to bleed and my hands shook but what care was it to me when I had what I longed for the most, right in front of me. I just carried on devouring.

Soon it all disappeared and moved inside me, numbing me, freeing me. My mind buzzed at first and then released me from reality. I let go and waited. Waiting for her to return.

My vision was hazy and dull; my eyes heavy with sleep and warmth but all that faded into the background when I saw her, brighter than the moon and brilliant like the sun. She walked toward me, her eyes almost black, brown hair rich and heavy across her pale shoulders. The material of her golden dress rustled with every move, glowing like the fiery sun. Never was there a finer temptress like golden brown.

My eyes widened and I sat up trying to get closer to her, to reach out to her and be with her. She smiled and sat next to me, the light illuminating her existence. She carried on smiling, all calm and tranquil, as she stared at me.

"You are here. You are finally here with me." I whispered as I marvelled that she had graced me with her presence. Her grin stretched and she nodded, her brown hair shaking with each nod. She took my hand and brought it to her cold red lips, placing a small kiss on my palm. I felt warm air rush through me and I reach towards her.

"Bella." This beautiful girl was finally with me. The girl I had wanted since she first left me all those years ago when we were only 18 years and on the verge of a new life. The girl who I wanted to give my ring, name and love to forever. The girl who was snatched away from me and into another life where I could not follow.

This girl was now here. And she did care.

I pulled her onto my lap, my arms finding purchase around her waist and my nose caressing her neck. I smelt peaches and cream, texture silky soft and I knew this is heaven. She came back to me. She moved closer and connected her arms around my neck, tightening her hold on me forever.

"Bella." I mumbled into her ear and I felt her all over my body, right into my heart and soul. A soft hum vibrated from her lulling me to sleep.

There was no one else in the world and I was finally content. Nothing mattered except for this addiction to Bella; sitting with me and giving me everything I didn't know there was to give. I was at peace.

I closed my eyes and listened to her hum silently, letting sleep take over me.


End file.
